I was kidnapped once. I was standing in front of my schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up.
我曾经遭到过绑架。当时我正站在校园前面，有一辆黑色的轿车驶过来停到我身旁。
And two guys get out, and they say to me, do I wanna go away with them to a land, where everybody is fairies and elves, and I can have all the comic books I want and chocolate and wax lips, you know.
从车里下来两个人，他们问我想不想跟他们一起到一个地方去，那里有好多的仙女和精灵，我可以想要什么漫画书就有什么漫画书，还有巧克力和蜡唇。
I said "yes", y'know, and I got into the car with them, 'cause I figured, y'know, "What the hell”, I was home that weekend from college anyhow, y'know.
我说“好的”，于是我就随他们上了车，因为我在想，“管他的，反正也要回家过这个周末，离开大学校园。”。
They drive me off, and they sent a ransom note to my parents.
他们开车把我带走，然后给我父母送去了一张赎金条。
And my father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, and he read half of it, y'know, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out, y'know.
我父亲有一些不好的阅读习惯，到晚上才拿着赎金条上了床，刚读到一半他就困了，然后就睡着了，把这事抛到了脑后。
Meanwhile they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped.
同时，他们把我带到了新泽西，绑着手、塞着嘴。我父母后来终于发现我被绑架了。
They snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
他们立即采取了行动：把我的房间租了出去。
The ransom note says for my father to leave a thousand dollars in a hollow tree in New Jersey.
赎金条上让我父亲把一千美元放入新泽西的一棵空心的树里。
He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree.
筹集一千美元没让他遇到什么困难，但是扛棵空心树使他的疝气发作。
The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out," they say, "give us your guns, and come out with your hands up."
联邦调查局的人包围了房子。“把孩子放出来，”他们喊：“把枪扔给我们，举着双手出来。”
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."
绑架者喊：“我们放孩子出去，但我们要留着枪，然后我们要上车。”
The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."
联邦探员喊：“把孩子放出来就让你们上车，但是要放下武器。”
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get to our car."
绑架者喊：“我们放孩子出去，但是我们要留着武器，我们不一定要上车。”
The FBI says "Keep the kid."
联邦探员喊：“留着孩子吧。”
The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Camellia.
联邦探员决定投催泪瓦斯进去，但是他们没有催泪瓦斯，所以几个探员只能上演《茶花女》里女主人去世的一幕。
Tear stricken my abductors give themselves up.
遭受泪水涟涟，我的绑架者放弃了抵抗。
They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chain gang, and they escape, twelve of then chained together at the ankle, getting by the guards posing as an immense charm bracelet.
他们被判处十五年牢役，用铁链拴在一起。后来他们成功出逃，十二名囚徒被拴住脚踝，伪装成一个巨大的魅力手镯骗过了警卫。
